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This couple went to a nudist colony with their four year old son. The son asked his father, "Why do some people have big ones and other people have little ones?". The father, who did not want to get into a detailed discussion of sex organs just said, "The people with the big organs are smart people and the people with the small organs are dumb." The little boy accepted this explanation and did not ask any more questions. A little while later the father could not find his wife. So he asked the little boy if he knew where his mother was. The little boy replied, "She's behind the bushes with this real dumb guy who is getting smarter by the minute." W.C. Fields is standing at the bottom of the stairs in a hotel. A beautiful blonde starts walking up the staircase. He stares at her as she ascends the staircase. He notices she isn't wearing any underwear. He continues to stare. When she reaches the top of the staircase, she turns, and sees him watching her. She says "Mr.Fields I'm surprised at you! I thought you were a gentleman". And he says "AHH yes, madam... and I thought you were a blonde." A pollster was conducting a door to door survey on the methods of birth control used by married couples. Typically, they would respond that they used the rhythm method, the pill, etc. However, he knocked on one door, and the woman who answered responded that she and her husband used the Eyeball and Bucket Method. "Gee, lady," said the pollster, "I thought I had heard them all, but that's a new one on me. What, pray tell, is the Eyeball and Bucket Method?" "Well," said the lady, "my husband is quite a bit shorter than I am, and we like to make love standing up, so he stands on an overturned bucket. Then all I have to do is watch his eyes, and when his eyeballs roll back, I kick the bucket out from under him." This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about her that way." The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says, "Vinegar and water." The Russian couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sex manual. "Honey,I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?" She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana........" "What did you get?" he interrupted. "Tuna," she replied. A 96-pound weakling was tired of going to the beach and seeing his friends pick up girls while he was getting zilcho. So after a while, he asked a friend (one with a more enviable track record) for tips. The man said, "First, you should stop wearing those old baggy swim trunks and get a nice new bikini-style suit. Then, put a potato in it. That'll turn the girls on." Next day, the man goes out with his friends, and as the day wears on, the others all wander off with girls, while he stays alone. At the end of the day, he asks his friend what he's doing wrong. The friend then proffers his sage advice, "You've got to have patience. You've got to look self-confident. And one other thing. Next time, try putting the potato in the FRONT of the suit." A young lady went to her doctor, saying that every time she sneezed she climaxed. He inquired as to whether she was doing anything for it. Sniffing pepper," she replied. A young lady was rather disturbed by her husband's having suddenly taken a liking to dog food. She was quite worried about him, so she phoned their doctor and queried as to whether it might be harmful to him. The doctor replied that there were no ingredients in the dog food that might cause him any harm, so she should just let him eat as much as he wanted and perhaps he would grow tired of it and go back to normal food. A few weeks later, this same lady called the doctor again and informed him that her husband was dead. "Oh, my God!" exclaimed the physician, "I can't imagine how the dog food might have affected him in such a way!" Oh, it wasn't that," answered the girl, "I backed over him while he was sitting in the driveway licking his prick." Mrs. O'Toole, a middle aged Irish women, enters her local grocery. O'Toole: Good day Mr. Shannery. Mr. Shannery: Good day Mrs O'Toole. A what can I be gettin ya today? O'Toole: Well I be needin a bag of turnips and a 5lb bag of onions. Mr. Shannery: Very good, here is a bag of turnips, but I'm sorry, we not be havin any more onions. O'Toole: (examines her list) Well I also be needin some potatoes and a bag of them onions. Mr. Shannery: Here are your potatoes, Mrs. O'Toole, but I'm really sorry but we haven't any onions. O'Toole: A few of them carrots would be nice, and I be needed a bag of onions. Mr. Shannery: Mrs. O'Toole, do you mind if I be askin you a question? O'Toole: Why no Mr. Shannery. Mr. Shannery: Mrs. O'Toole, who do you reckon put the turn into turnips? O'Toole: Why the good Lord I guess. Mr. Shannery: Thats right, and who do you suppose put the toes into potatoes? O'Toole: Why I suppose the good Lord. Mr. Shannery: Correct again, and who do you suppose put the fuck into onions? O'Toole: (thinking for a moment) Why Mr. Shannery, there is no fuckin onions. Mr. Shannery: Very good, Mrs O'Toole. Thats what I've been trying to tell ya. Santa, assuming everyone's asleep, hops down the chimney and begins to deliver the presents. Suddenly, he hears a small sigh behind him and turns around, only to meet eye to eye (to everything else) with the most gorgeous creature that god could have created. She smiled seductively and pouted, "Wanna play around, Santa?" to which he stolidly replied "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gotta go, he's gotta get the presents to the peo- ple, you know." In reply, she slid one of the spaghetti straps of the nearly non-existant negligee she was almost wearing off her shoulder, and again she cooed, "Wanna fool around, Santa?" To which he replied, not sounding sure of himself at all, "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gotta go, he's gotta get the presents to the people you know..." Next thing he knows, she turns around and walks lasciviously back into the bedroom. He returns to his chores while visions of sugar-plums (hers) dance in his head. Just as he's about to leave, she makes yet another grand entrance, and exclaims "OOOOOOH, SANTA, let's play around!!!!!" She is wearing nothing and implying everything.... He looks at her, looks at the chimney, looks back at her, looks up at the chimney, and shrugs his shoulders, giving in to temptation, murmuring, "Hey, hey, hey, Santa's gotta stay; he can't get up the chimney with his prick this way.! The convent was being remodeled, and the rough language of the workmen occasionally drifted through an open window. Indignant, one of the nuns went to the Mother Superior to complain. "Their language is horrible, it upsets me so that I can't concentrate on my prayers.", she said. The Mother Superior replied, "Now sister, you must realize that these are hard working men, and that in their struggle to earn a simple living, they sometimes forget their manners. They simply call a spade a spade." To which the nun responded, "No they don't, they call it a fucking shovel!!" On one Sunday Morning, a young wife awakes and goes to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for her husband. While the wife was in the kitchen, the husband got a large hardon,while lying in bed, so he got a pencil and paper a wrote a note to his wife, and ask his daughter to deliver the note to her in the kitchen. the note said: Honey! The tent pole is up, the canvas is spread, stop the breakfast and come back to bed. And the husband waited for a reply from the wife. Then the wife got a pencil and paper a wrote a note back to the husband which said: Take the tent pole down, and put the canvas away, the monkey got a hemorrhage, no circus today. A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. 'I just found out that my brother is gay', he says. About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and 6 beers. So the bartender asks 'Whats wrong this time?' To which the man says: 'I just found out that my other brother is gay'. Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says 'God, doesn't anyone in your family like pussy ?' And the man replies 'Yeah, my sister.' A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for Doctor brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?" A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them." A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow." "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question." The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!" Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings." A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it... A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow. If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there. Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin. Why can't gerbils drive? Hell, they can't even get out of Gere. I have it here that it takes 14,725,934 New Yahrkarz to screw in a light bulb - it's right here in the contract! Two gerbils in a pet shop are talking and one says to the other; "If Richard Gere comes in tell him you're a hamster" What would a 500 pound rat say, if it could talk? "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty........." By the way, when Ron & Nancy made it, you know why Mommy was always on top..... a) All Ron could do was fock up! b) Nancy's astrologer said Ron's moon was rising, and maybe it was going into Nancy's house... c) none of the above There are only two things to worry about. Either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well or you will die! If you get well there is nothing to worry about. If you die there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about, but if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry. three guys are banished to a desert island (insider trading?). one is a german, one is french, one is a typical american man (TAM). a bottle washes to shore, the french guy rubs it, and out pops a genie. the genie offers each man one wish. the german misses his wife and POOF, he is back home. the frenchman misses his children and POOF he is back home ! the TAM misses the other two guys... three guys are banished to a the sahara desert. one is german, one is french and one is from suburban milwaukee. the judge allows each to take one item with him for his 5 year banishment. the german takes bread in case of hunger. the frenchman takes wine in case of thirst. the milwaukeean takes a car door in case it gets hot, he can roll down the window. tom and sue went to the prom. they were dancing very close and tom started to get rather, "bothered." he explained to sue that he was getting a bad case of the hornies and asked if she wanted to go to the rainbow motel in burlington. she agreed to go, so he threw her into the car, zoomed over to the motel, got a room, ripped off her clothes, threw her on the bed and thrust himself deep inside her! (embellishments omitted...in, out, in, out, in, out....) suddenly he found himself distracted! every time he entered her, her toes curled up! he was freaking out and finally stopped doing the wild thing. hey, sue...um, why do your toes curl up every time i'm inside you? oh tom, don't mind that. it's just my pantyhose! ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS IN THE U.S.A. ----------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. 2. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. 3. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. 4. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. 5. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. 6. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. 7. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. 8. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. 9. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. 10. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. 11. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium. 12. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 13. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 14. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 15. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. 16. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. 17. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. 18. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only itis even deader. 19. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. 20. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. 21. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. 22. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. 23. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. 24. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. 25. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. 26. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. 27. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 28. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. 29. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 30. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. 31. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. 32. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. 33. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. 34. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions. 35. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. 36. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. 37. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. 38. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. 39. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. 40. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 41. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. 42. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. 43. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. 44. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. 45. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles. 46. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime. 47. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. Why does Dolly Parton have such a thin waist? Why? Because everyone knows that things can't grow in the shade. John was hit by a Volkswagon, he went to the hospital to have it removed! did ya hear about the 93 year old man and the 92 year old woman who found each other and finally got married? They spent thier honeymoon getting out of the car! These 3 guys go up to see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks through his little notebook, and tells them that they're not expected. He asks him to explain what they're doing there. The first guy says: "Well, for a long time I've suspected my wife of having an affair. Every day, when I get back and ask her what she did all day she is very vague. She usually says something like "Oh, just shopping". So, one day I came back early from work and found her naked in bed. Naturally, she denied any fooling around. I started searching the place... under the bed, in the closet... nothing. I looked out the window and saw this guy pulling up his pants. I was so mad, I picked up the fridge and threw it over the balcony railing. I suddenly got this terrible pain in my chest and couldn't breathe. That's all I remember." Second guy: "I was just jogging down the street, when the knot in the string of my jogging pants came out. They fell down around my ankles. I bent over to pull them up and that's all I remember." Third guy: "Well sir, I was sitting in this refridgerator and.... Unix? I can't even do ONE thing at once. Meta-physics is meta-difficult. A young nun rushed into the Mother Superior's office and exclaimed, "We've got a case of syphilis in the convent." The Mother Superior looked up and said, "Thank God.... I'm sick to death of red wine." I heard you read a book...once. Did you hear the one about the two gay Irishmen? (shake your head 'No'). Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael? Think about it. Did you hear Dolly Parton came in First and Third in a race? Have you seen Dolly Partons NEW Shoes? Niether has she! How can you tell which kids are hers? The ones with stretch marks on thier lips! Hear about the Flys who went mountain climbing on Dolly? They didn'tmake it! I saw a strange funeral procession going through town the other day. There were 2 hearses, and about 60 guys walking, one be- hind the other. The guy in front was walking a small poodle. Curious, I approached him and asked what was happening. He said, "That hearse contains the body of my beloved wife. My dog, Skippy, is a wonderful pet, but sometimes he's 'funny' around women. He tore out my wife's throat." I offered my condolences, then asked why there were two hearses. He replied, "The second hearse contains the mortal remains of my beloved mother-in-law. Skippy's a wonderful dog, but he gets funny around women. He tore out her throat, too." Thinking fast, I realized there were some real possibilities here. "Say, buddy. Do you think I could borrow Skippy for a little while?" "Get in line." It crawled in to my hand.....honest! Where does a horse go when he gets sick? The horspital. Where does a duck go when he gets sick? The ductor. What does an elephant do when he stubs his toe? He calls the toe truck. What happens when ducks fly backwards? They quack up. What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse on vacation. Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear? A: Answering the iron. Q: How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? A: By rearranging the furniture. Q: Why does Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand? A: She uses the other to sing with. Q: Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow? A: Because her dog is blind, too! I love those new YUGO's -- those little cars are so intelligently arranged. One model even has a place just big enough to hold your keys, a pack of Kleenex, and some maps. It's called the trunk. Magic Users have Crystal Balls Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm) I got the photocopy you sent -- thanks. The paint across the racoon's back showed up very nicely. I STILL wish I had had my camera, though. You can't imagine how neatly that animal was spread out across the double yellow line! Why dont men trust women? Would you trust someone that bled for a week and didnt die? What did spock find in the toilet? The captains log! -----------------------------<tear line>---------------------------- If You Are Unhappy Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. The morals of the story: 1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend. 3. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut! -----------------------------<tear line>---------------------------- A boy was walking down the street with his Dad and noticed a dog mounting another dog. The boy asked his Dad, "Hey Dad, what are those two dogs doing?" "Well son, the dog on top's front paws are sore, so the dog on the bottom is giving him a ride home." The son thinks it over, and then comes to the conclusion, "Geez Dad, isn't that just like the world today...you help someone out, and you end up getting f*cked." So you don't know Jack Schitt? He's the only son of Awh and Oh Schitt. Awh, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh, the owner of the Kneedeep Inn. Jack married Noe. They produced six children. Holy, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep and Dip, two daughters, Fulla and Giva, and another son, Bull. Deep married Dumb, a high school dropout. Dip married Lotta, and they have a son, Chicken. Fulla and Giva married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horace. Bull just married a spicy number, Pisa, and they are awaiting the arrival of a baby Schitt. Now You Know Jack Schitt. What do you get when a dinosaur has a car accident? -- Tyrannosarus wrecks What did one lightbulb say to the other? -- I'm going out tonight What did the firefly say when he backed into the lawn-mower? -- De-lighted, no end! When the British were having thier difficulties in the Falklands the following announcement was made to a unit of the SAS. Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The Brigadier feels that since we were one of the first units to arrive, and since we haven't had any fresh laundry in two weeks. You will all be able to change underware. Now the bad news. Smythe you change with Carstairs, Jones you change with Higgins......... What did Miss Piggy say when she awsnered the phone? "I can't talk right now, I have a frog in my throat! I have one! Mother Surerior said to the nuns "Last night, we found men's uderware on the lawn. 99 nuns said "Oh Lord!" And 1 nun said "te he he" Mother Superior also said that she had found a condom. 99 nuns said"Oh Lord!" and one said"Te he he" Then Mother S. said "Oh, by the way, there was a hole in thae condom" 99 nuns said"Te he he" and 1 nun said "Oh Lord!" Oh yeah? Have you heard about the new cereal Prostatuties? They don't snap, crackle or pop. They just sit there and bang!!! One day, little Johnny was sitting on a corner, stirring a bucket of shit. The milkman walked up and said, "Whatcha got there, Johnny?" To which Johnny replied, "Bucket o' shit." "Whatcha making?" "A Milkman." "Hrummph!" said the Milkman and walked across the street. Next, the Mailman came and said "Whatcha got there Johnny?" "Bucket o' shit." "Whatcha making?" "A Mailman." "Hrummph!" The Mailman walked across the street and began talking to the Milkman. Shortly after, a policeman walked up and had a conversation with the two aggrieved men. He then walked over to Johnny and said, "What do you have there, Johnny?" "Bucket o' shit." "I bet you're making a Policeman." "Nope, ain't got enough shit." Does Quasimoto ring a bell? Three men, a Canadian, American, and Newfie are standing at a bus stop, when along came a mugger of a different kind. The mugger was carrying a needle in his hand and waving it in front of the three men as he said, "In this needle is the AIDS virus; either give me all your money, or I inject you!" The Canadian immediately hands over his wallet and runs off. The American does the same. But the Newfie stands there: "Go ahead, I'm not afraid." So the mugger injects the guy. But the Newfie is still standing there, all happy and content. Finally the mugger asks, "Aren't you scared?" "Nope." "Why not?" "I WORE A CONDOM!" One day a little boy and little girl heard the word "penis" on the playground. The girl talked the boy into asking the teacher what penis ment. The teacher told him, " We don't discuss such things in school." The teacher also said that he should ask his father when he went home. Upon getting home he asked his father. His father said, "Not only will tell you, I'll show you mine. And by the way, THIS is a perfect penis." At play period the next day the boy and the girl got togeather. The girl asked, "Did your daddy tell you what a penis is?" the Boy replied, " Uh Huh, here let me show you." "So thats what one is." "Yep, and if it was only two inches shorter it would be a perfect penis."